Morning gorgeous folks, it’s Charlotte here – (albeit briefly)… sometimes you’ve got to hold your hands up and say “I’m not the right person to write this piece” but if it’s something you think is relevant and/or important then the answer is simple – find someone that IS. For those of you that are familiar with RMW 2011 real bride Naomi then you will understand why her no-holds-barred and witty conversational style was made to cover this personal and somewhat taboo topic. For those of that are not familiar with Madam Liddell well – you soon will be, and you are in for a take-away-the-Monday-morning-blues treat… of the slightly naughty but non-calorific variety.

As always we welcome your opinions, thoughts and general awesome community spirit, feel free to comment as Anon/an alias if you would prefer to keep your identity private.

Sex and Marriage

During a recent Skype conversation between myself and the tiny, blonde Charlotte, we got talking about garters. Which then lead on to us talking about sexiness. Which then lead to us talking about sex. Especially sex after marriage. It went something like this:

Me: Maybe you should do a garters/sexiness/sex post on RMW.

Charlotte: Hmm… I’ve thought about this one before. Do you think it would go down well? I suppose there is that whole “Once it’s “I do”, it’s “I don’t in the bedroom” thing people say, which is quite frankly rubbish!

Me: I don’t in the bedroom?? That’s insane. Who says stuff like that??

Charlotte: I know! I don’t know if I’m the right person to write about it though. Maybe you should?

Me: You want me to write about sex and sexiness on RMW?

Charlotte: Yes. Listen, if fancy glossy Bridal magazines can write about sex and marriage, we can. Anyway, I think you’re the perfect person for it…

So let me begin by saying that I am by no means an expert. I also do not have the perfect collection of lingerie, nor do I have the perfect sex life to go with it. But because there is no such thing as the perfect lingerie collection and there is no such thing as the perfect sex life, I believe that we can all start off on the same page and talk pretty frankly about, what is essentially an important part of any marriage.

Once It’s I Do, It’s I Don’t In The Bedroom

Can I just take a moment to say something? This phrase angers me. What complete and utter bollocks. Pardonne le Francais. But whoever came up with this little tidbit of worldy knowledge clearly did not have a very well rounded marriage on the go. Or perhaps they were just someone trying to justify their choices in life by speculating on the marriages of others. Either way, I can honestly say that once I became Mrs L, I didn’t have the sudden inclination to become celebate. Quite the opposite actually.

The other thing I would like to raise is that question. The one that generally gets thrown at you by a single aquaintance who doesn’t know you too well, usually at a party and is also generally accompanied by a few too many Cab Sauv.

The “So, you’re going to have sex with one person for the rest of your life?!” question.

I’d like to take this opportunity to discuss this question, as anyone who is in a loving and lustful relationship will tesify, it generally comes across quite insulting.

The answer to this question in very basic terms is “Yes, I’m going to have sex with one person for the rest of my life.” But if looked at through the eyes of someone who is head over heels in love and adoration, ready to spend the rest of their life with said person and happens to find said person insanely sexually attractive, the answer should read more like this:

“(Hell) Yes, I’m going to have (the best) sex (I’ve ever had) with (the) one person (that I want to have sex with) for the rest of my life.”

To be perfectly frank (and I warned you I would be), I am delighted to have sexual exploration with other people behind me. I am glad to be rid of awkward encounters with men in clubs, deciphering body language/text messages and disappointing sexual experiences.

I can now say that I am lucky enough to spend the rest of my life having fun. Sexy fun with my husband. My husband who adores me in every way. With ‘forever’ meaning that we can spend our time working on having a smokin’ hot sex life. Time well spent I believe.

Great Expectations

Let us begin with the wedding night. Some of you may be looking forward to sex on your wedding night. Some of you haven’t even thought about it and are more concerned about drowning in a sea of table plans. Some of you may be having sex for the first time on your wedding night. Some of you may be worried about falling asleep drunk.

So I’ll tell you about us. We did not have sex on our wedding night. There’s a bit of an elaborate story about our hotel fiasco over on my blog, but the jist is, we were locked out of our room until 5am. Cue, Gavin and I falling into bed, me realising we were both filthy, the sheets were ‘spensive and white and forcing half asleep Gavin to get a bath with me. Now we all know that bath sex just doesn’t work, so we sipped Champagne and soaked in the tub, all dewy eyed and exhausted. We then curled up in bed together and woke up on our first morning as man and wife, still completely high on the love from the day before and then we consumated our marriage.

I think people put a lot of pressure on their sex lives. Everyone seems to believe that everyone is having more sex than them. So here is where I say, some are, some aren’t. And who cares? Focus on yourselves. Yes, there will be times when you and your man just cannot, for the love of sugar puffs, keep your hands off each other. Yes, there will also be times when you both just want to veg out and sex doesn’t even enter into it. Yes, there will also be times when one of you is up for it and the other one couldn’t be further away from it. But you know what? That’s ok. We can’t always be raging sex maniacs. But here’s the secret that I’ve found works for me: It should be fun. Flirty and sexy and giggly and touchy feely and fun. Anytime Gavin and I aren’t on the same wavelength sexually, we step it right back to the beginning and promise to flirt more with each other. We spend days flirting, which makes us both feel more sexy and puts the spark right back where it belongs.

All sex lives require effort from time to time. But effort for sex should always be half the fun.

I’m Sexy And I Know It

Girlies, as I type this, I am sitting in an old t-shirt and shorts, sweating bullets as it’s 43 degrees outside and the room I’m in doesn’t have air con. I haven’t straightened my hair and I’m pretty convinced I still have seeds from my lemon and poppy seed muffin stuck in my teeth. Do you think if Gavin walks in now, I’ll be all “Come on, big boy.” No. I am entirely unsexy at this moment in time. But that’s ok.

Because once I finish writing this post, I’m going to put on some music, get showered, put on a summer dress, paint my nails and spritz some of my favourite perfume around to make myself feel sexy before my husband gets home. I’ll also make an effort to be flirty and giggly, because getting a laugh out of my husband makes me feel insanely sexy. No idea why.

It may sound very ‘Stepford Wives’ (and make no mistake, Gavin is quite regularly subjected to a less than preened version of myself), but every now and then I will go out of my way to look hot. There are usually two people I will do this for, and no I’m not about to divulge some weird, sordid secret. The two very important people in my life that I speak of are: My husband. And MYSELF.

As women, we all know the value of feeling sexy in our own skin. We all have our rituals for beauty and we all have our rituals for sexy. Usually the sexy is reserved for the bedroom. But I say make sexy apart of your lifestyle. When we feel sexy, we act sexy and when we act sexy, we want sex. Nine times out of ten, the man in your life is going to spot these signs and pounce on you like a lion with a steak.

And I’ll let you all in on a secret… Nothing has made me feel as smokin’ hot and sexy as I do, now that I’m Gavin’s wife.

So ladies, I’ve told you mine… now it’s time for you to tell me yours.

What are your thoughts on sex after marriage?

Do you think you’ll have sex on your wedding night? And for the wives out there… did you even have sex on your wedding night?

What makes you feel at your sexiest? Matching underwear? Killer heels? A flirty smile from your man?

Lots of I-can’t believe-I-just-talked-about-sex-on-Rock-My-Wedding Love,

Naomi

P.S. How delighted am I to be writing on these polka dot pages again?! I’ve missed you all.

There is a rather epic tale attached to how I came to buy three wedding dresses. It’s not because I’m greedy (promise!) but more due to my being a very misguided and indecisive bride.

After I got engaged, I became rather overwhelmed (and obsessed) with not looking like a typical bride. I didn’t feel like a bride. In fact I sort of became the anti bride. I didn’t want a veil, I didn’t want a meringue-esque dress, I didn’t want a tiara. I didn’t want tulle, or taffeta, or satin. I didn’t want layers of netting. Or sparkly bits. Or ruching. So when I bit the bullet and went to my first bridal shop you can imagine the service I received when I listed all the things on my ‘do not want’ list, frosty to say the least!

I’d done my research though, I knew what I did want, and that was lace. I’d looked online at the current collections and knew I would probably be a Charlotte Balbier bride, I liked that she is a British designer and I loved every dress in her collection. I just wanted a really boho look, tousled hair and simplistic styling.
Going to a bridal shop was a big thing for me. I’ve mentioned her before in many of my What Jenny Did posts, because I like to keep her memory alive, the bridal shop experience was somewhat bitter sweet because my Mum passed away the year before I got engaged. So I went alone, and I was nervous, anxious and frankly a little terrified! So many mothers and daughters in these places…

The lace dress I tried was not good. Not good at all. I was too curvy. I resolved to never try on another lace dress as long as I lived, and to try another bridal boutique, but take someone with me for moral support!

The first dress was tried on, and I felt relieved. It was a British designer and made me feel like a size 8 so it ticked all the boxes. No more dress shopping! Deposit paid, dress ordered. Job done.

It was still over a year until the big day though. And I had major dress wobblage.

The hype over Chinese made wedding dresses got me interested, I am an ebay addict, and saw a dress I considered to be worthy of wearing… it was 99p. Shipping was £99. I ordered it – and when it arrived I was flabberghasted at the quality. I wasn’t prepared for how much I would love it, and I loved it more than the first dress. Opening a huge can of worms here, indecision was kicking in. What dress was I going to wear? Would I feel confident wearing a dress that cost me so little?

Then I made the mistake of visiting another bridal boutique in search of a veil.

I didn’t end up buying a veil.

I ended up buying another dress.

A lace dress. Avec sparkly bits.

So that’s three dresses.

Mr O was of the impression that I might have had some sort of unofficial dress buying disorder, and wondered if I was of a sound mind!

I couldn’t get out of buying the first dress. They wouldn’t give me my deposit back, the dress was made to order so I had to commit to spending the money.
The second dress I was a bit crafty and sold it on eBay, making myself a few extra bob.

The third dress was THE ONE, I picked it up with weeks to spare and it didn’t need any altering what so ever. I resolved to my nearest and dearest that yes I would stop looking at wedding dresses, and yes I promise I will not under any circumstances purchase another wedding dress.

Then seven weeks before the wedding, whilst on a hen do in Oxford, I discovered I was pregnant! (cue visions of me waddling up the aisle with a huge bump with a dress that wouldn’t do up at the back). Worst case scenario I would be 15 weeks pregnant on the big day. Best case scenario I would be 11 weeks. I wouldn’t know until I had my first dating scan.

This is when I visited my ‘go to’ party dress website, Vivien of Holloway. My stomach would be very well concealed in a circle dress. It turns out that my first scan showed I was not as far on as my dates had implied, and my 12 week scan was the day before the wedding! My tummy was uncomfortable under tight clothing, so I decided to wear the third dress for the ceremony, then change into the VoH dress once we had announced Baby O was on his way. Comfort, and not yacking up was my primary concern (amazing how your priorities change when pregnant and planning a wedding) Turns out I didn’t need to change at all, my wedding dress was so comfy, I think you can see a hint of a swollen tummy, but considering there was a very active baby growing in there I didn’t mind one bit.

So that’s the story of Three and a half dresses.

With the benefit of hindsight, and experience, I wish I had considered looking into buying a second hand dress. I recently looked through a few bridal boutiques offering second hand designer dresses and I found an unworn Amanda Wakely, a few Sottero & Midgelys and an immaculate Alan Hannah, for a mere fraction of the cost of a new dress.

I wish I had been a little more savvy with my money and just spent a few more hours looking around, and weighing up my options.

I rushed into that first dress, bought the second dress out of curiosity, bought the third dress by accident, and the Vivien of Holloway out of necessity.

I still feel a little nauseous when I think of the money I have wasted. And what my Mum would have thought…..

I’ve been trying to sell it for over a year now, on many dress sites, and still it goes unworn. I’ve dropped it into my local bridal boutique for them to sell (and take an obscene percentage of the sale), and have drawn a line under the whole wedding dress issue.

So ladies, please don’t find yourself in my situation – but if you do it’s alright. I found THE dress for me eventually, and live to tell the tale. I just rushed into making a decision without thinking it through properly. A rather misguided and naïve bride to be! Oh how much I learnt about myself whilst planning my big day, it really is life changing – I find myself haggling over the price of crisps these days! (I love crisps).

Since making it through the wedding planning process unscathed (without any grey hair to speak of) I love my dress but I wish I had followed my heart and had the balls to wear something that totally represented my initial anti bride feelings. Who says you have to walk up the aisle in a long white dress? The pressure placed upon brides to conform to what is socially acceptable cheeses me off sometimes. We’re not all born with the ‘bride’ gene. Not all of us want to do the ‘step together step together’ walk up the aisle in an ivory gown. There is nothing wrong with pushing the boundaries, and doing what the heck ever you want to do. Don’t listen to the people that scoff at your ideas, do whatever makes your heart sing.

Jenny xx

So… I’m only a month into planning and it seems to be going really well so far, got the venue, picked my dress, narrowed our choice of photographers down to two and booked our catering tasting. All of these things have been a breeze but I have a couple of things niggling my little brain….

1. Money – I just don’t know how we are going to pay for all of this….and we are making big cuts!! let’s just hope all of my DIY bits and pieces are going to look fabulous.

2. Family - As my Mum and Dad are divorced… and I am born worrier, I REALLY hope they get on well on the day and set my mind to rest. The day is about Malc and I so just for twenty four hours I want them to be friends again.

3. My bonce - One of our cut backs is hair and make-up, I am pretty nifty with a comb so I’m doing all my bridesmaids hair do’s and my own too. My sister is planning on waking me up at 4am (to get me back for getting her up on her day!) so I’m pretty sure I will have enough time but I hope I’m not having a bad hair day and it looks well… rubbish!

4. My wibbly belly – I hope I trim down and fit into my dress!

I think I’m probably a bit early to be worrying about these things but I just can’t help it, it’s such an important day and you only do it once so naturally I want it to go smoothly. Although as previously mentioned I am a born worrier, I do know how to brush things off and just get on so hopefully my laid back approach will shine through on the day…

(Fingers, legs, arms crossed…)

So how about you lovely brides to be, any niggling worries whilst planning? Or if you are in married bliss already, did you have any worries and did your day go as smoothly as you wished??

Lots of (hopefully) laid back love

Vix
xx