I very nearly almost wrote a blog post entitled ‘The Wedding I might have had….’. And it would have mostly been about indecision, about how I would have worn a different dress, or had my hair different, or had been braver with my decisions full stop.
This came about shortly after my wedding halo wore off, and I became a wife and expectant mother. (I almost said ‘just a wife’ a la Monica Bing from Friends…).
I decided not to write about the wedding I might have had, and to just come to terms with the choices I made instead. This might sound rather odd to brides to be, but it’s not uncommon to look back and wonder why you had your hair like that, or why didn’t I invite so and so, or why I bothered inviting so and so, and so on. When we arrived at our new home in Hong Kong, one of the first boxes I unpacked contained our wedding album, so I sat down and looked at it for the first time in yonks. I didn’t get much done that day because I found our wedding dvd too, I had myself a bit of a wedding fest!
It’s been 14 months since our big day, and a mere few months after, I looked at our wedding photo’s and thought that I wished I had my hair different. A rather vain thing to worry about certainly, but all I saw was a big, blonde, frizzy mess. But then I had my hair like that because it looks awful up and off my face. I didn’t wear a big fancy head piece because I hate to draw attention to the size of my bonce (it’s massive). So I made peace with my… big blonde frizzy mess. I also feel, as a larger lady, that I was brave to wear a form fitting dress. Not only was I a larger lady on my day, but I was harbouring a 12 week pregnancy, which is evident at certain angles. Perhaps I should have gone for a dress that was more suitable for someone in my condition (if you can call pregnancy such), but then I made peace with this too. I look at my wedding album now, and I see someone who looks happy, glowing, and confident, and when William is big enough to understand I will take great joy in telling him he was in Mummies tummy when she and Daddy got married!
The issues don’t just stop there, there are people that didn’t make it onto the guest list that I wished I had included. I had to make my peace with that too, especially after receiving an email from my long lost half brother enquiring as to how my big day went…. Yes, that awkward moment when you realise your sister is friends with him on Facebook, and he’s seen the images of the wedding he wasn’t invited to. (It’s a long story). Then there are the people I did include on the guest list who let me down. (also, a long story). The fact is, I had total control over who I surrounded myself with on my wedding day, and generally in life, I surround myself with strong, happy, kind people, so that was my wedding day guest list theory, and subsequently I have made peace with that too.
I’ve gone back to the start. And 14 months since our wedding I finally have a big fat in your face wedding canvas hanging on our wall, and every time I see it I feel all the emotions and excitement of our big day come flooding back, and it puts a spring in my step.
If I could do it all again my choices may differ somewhat. I may have a different dress, different venue, different bridesmaid dresses, but that’s down to being continually inspired by all the weddings and styling I see on Rock My Wedding. The most important thing isn’t how visually pleasing things are, but that that you are embarking upon a life of marriage, with someone who is special enough to want to spend your life with. So who cares about frizzy hair, I would have married Mr O wearing a potato sack and flip flops with Mongolian mountain goats milling around if I had to.
P.S I would love to hear from any marrieds if you have had any look-back-and-I-would-change-moments…