I suppose we should be starting our first Monday in December with some kind of Christmas wish list. Or some advice on festive decor. Or maybe a DIY special on wreaths/scented candles/snow-man inspired cookies…..
But we’re not. At least not right now anyway. Instead we thought as we move into a new 2013 shaped era we would look at the past. Specifically our tragic fashion past.
At least that way you can have a laugh. And yes it’s at our expense – but I’m afraid you can’t get away without sharing your wardrobe malfunctions in the comment box below.
And that’s non negotiable, ok?
The School Boy : Heavy blunt fringes are quite popular at the moment and can look A.mazing on various glamorous/cool/celebrity type folks (My current favourite being the elfin Rachel Bilson). But not if you’re 9 years old. And you have a head like a giant moon. And you look like a boy already. (Surely my mother should have let me grow it long and french plaited it for me? tied in some ribbon perhaps?)
Also note the stick-on gem stone earrings. These were my poor attempt at evoking some small sense of femininity.
The S-Club 7: Remember the blonde one? Hannah? Yeah well, I wanted that twisty up-do she had so badly I used to spend hours in the mirror pinning bits left, right and centre with these silver clips.
I liked to pair my Hannah-inspired hair with a sheeny crop top and matching arm sleeves with diamante trim.
No. I have no idea what I was thinking either.
The J-LO: Y’know when Jennifer Lopez was Jenny from the block? all hipster jeans and bare midriff? Well I figured that was a GOOD look. Yep. Right down to the colour co-ordinated sweat bands.
I have no clue what that white eyeshadow is all about. And HOW BIG are those acrylic nail tips?! I could have had someone’s eye out.
And why do I seem to be doing some kind of odd dance routine by a fruit machine?
The ‘Hot’ Scarf/ Cuff/ Dress Combo: Good grief.
I mean seriously, how could my mother ever let me leave the house in this?! To make matters worse this photo can only have been taken about 8 years ago which brings me out in a cold sweat.
You see, I thought I looked cool back then. Evidently the leather cuff, synthetic ice-white scarf and wholly unflattering dress says otherwise. Not to mention how chavtastic the boy looks here!
The whole thing makes me feel distinctly unwell.
What part of my deluded brain could ever think that a piece of neck attire would harmonise with a gladiator cuff. I look like I’ve dived headfirst into my wardrobe and staggered out in anything that stuck.
And that colour palette is all so so wrong.
Which makes me wonder about what we’ll think when we look back at photos of ourselves now in ten years time…
I think my wardrobe needs a clear-out.
The Non-Ironic Princess: I have to point out at this stage that this was fancy dress.
I also have to point out that really liked wearing this outfit in a totally non-ironic way. Yes… even those white satin pumps. Note the ‘hand on hip with one leg in front of the other’ pose that I’m rocking – that’s one smug 15 year old right there.
But what is most revealing is that this dress belonged to my best friend’s sister who wore it as part of her bridesmaid’s outfit for a family wedding.
I know. Now that’s one set of wedding photos I’d really like to see.
The Devil Child: I can’t even begin to describe this look.
In fact it scares me a little bit.
My eyes look like they’re rolling back in my head and my centre parting is so severe that it looks as if someone has taken a meat cleaver to it. Which reminds me, I really need to get my fringe cut back in; clearly I cannot rock the non-fringed do.
All I can say is that I’m aged about 14 here and I’m attempting a pout. The very fact that I look like a deranged zombie and not a vampy vixen probably explains why I couldn’t get a boyfriend until I was nearly 17.
I was a bit of a performing tart in my youth. I believe this photo is from one of my many New Years Eve home performances ( o yes, renditions of Britney and Eternal were always top of the bill) with my very good friend who is sporting a very fetching orange vest top.
I wanted to be Britney Spears. I think I’m pretty ‘Hit me baby one more time’, don’t you?
I’ve got the very odd, very small pig tails on top of my head which goes wonderfully with my adidas trackies and black crop top. Hot.
Mizuno trainers, check. White stretch trousers, check. Man United shirt, check. O and don’t forget the hair in a ponytail with two bits pulled down the front ala Angel from Home and Away. Stand next to teenage older brother (who will be really pleased about this!) and in front of growing Sun Flowers and there you have it. Trend setter in the making.
Where to even start.
Cue friends birthday in a limo (I can quite clearly recall this night). Very random haircut. I’d been taking part in some ‘hair modelling’ and this is what happened. Black boobtube with very very short skirt, teamed with fishnet tights (you’re very lucky they are on my legs…I used to also wear them as tops. Yes. You read that correctly). Add some knee hight boots, plastic hoop earrings, wannabe Gwen Stefani red lips and a right hand of acrylic nails…minus the index finger nail. O and note the very overly plucked brows. Jealous much??
Ok, so the image top left is actually of me at a fancy dress party as Robert Smith from The Cure… But, all those clothes (purple and black floral shirt, black shiny cardigan and white jeans) were actually mine and I wore them. A lot. Ummm… the black nail varnish was mine too and that is my real hair people. I borrowed the eye shadow from a friend who should have known better.
Top right, I suppose I should say that once again this is my real hair. Probably the only way to make a Tuxedo look bad on a guy is to team it with some unkempt bleach blonde Kurt Cobain locks… Oh and also never leave home without giving yourself a quick going over with one of those lint roller things if you don’t want everyone to think you have a severe case of dandruff.
The other pics in this gallery of shame are all about the beads. Big, Big Beads made of wood and glass, beads big enough to actually be able to slow you down. Here I show how they can be teamed just as successfully with a baggy v-neck as they can with a khaki cream and grey panelled fleece. The most important thing with this look is to set it off against a shock of greasy fringe action. Any colour works.
If you can get some balls in shot then all the better.
So you gorgeous lot you, have you ever wanted to emulate a 90’s popstar? left the house wearing not very many clothes at all?
We want to hear ALL about it.
Big Tragic Love
Team RMW xxx