Tragedy.

I suppose we should be starting our first Monday in December with some kind of Christmas wish list. Or some advice on festive decor. Or maybe a DIY special on wreaths/scented candles/snow-man inspired cookies…..

But we’re not. At least not right now anyway. Instead we thought as we move into a new 2013 shaped era we would look at the past. Specifically our tragic fashion past.

At least that way you can have a laugh. And yes it’s at our expense – but I’m afraid you can’t get away without sharing your wardrobe malfunctions in the comment box below.

And that’s non negotiable, ok?

The School Boy : Heavy blunt fringes are quite popular at the moment and can look A.mazing on various glamorous/cool/celebrity type folks (My current favourite being the elfin Rachel Bilson). But not if you’re 9 years old. And you have a head like a giant moon. And you look like a boy already. (Surely my mother should have let me grow it long and french plaited it for me? tied in some ribbon perhaps?)

Also note the stick-on gem stone earrings. These were my poor attempt at evoking some small sense of femininity.

The S-Club 7: Remember the blonde one? Hannah? Yeah well, I wanted that twisty up-do she had so badly I used to spend hours in the mirror pinning bits left, right and centre with these silver clips.

Awesome.

I liked to pair my Hannah-inspired hair with a sheeny crop top and matching arm sleeves with diamante trim.

No. I have no idea what I was thinking either.

The J-LO: Y’know when Jennifer Lopez was Jenny from the block? all hipster jeans and bare midriff? Well I figured that was a GOOD look. Yep. Right down to the colour co-ordinated sweat bands.

I have no clue what that white eyeshadow is all about. And HOW BIG are those acrylic nail tips?! I could have had someone’s eye out.

And why do I seem to be doing some kind of odd dance routine by a fruit machine?

*shudders*

Lolly

The ‘Hot’ Scarf/ Cuff/ Dress Combo: Good grief.

I mean seriously, how could my mother ever let me leave the house in this?! To make matters worse this photo can only have been taken about 8 years ago which brings me out in a cold sweat.

You see, I thought I looked cool back then. Evidently the leather cuff, synthetic ice-white scarf and wholly unflattering dress says otherwise. Not to mention how chavtastic the boy looks here!

The whole thing makes me feel distinctly unwell.

What part of my deluded brain could ever think that a piece of neck attire would harmonise with a gladiator cuff. I look like I’ve dived headfirst into my wardrobe and staggered out in anything that stuck.

And that colour palette is all so so wrong.

Which makes me wonder about what we’ll think when we look back at photos of ourselves now in ten years time…

I think my wardrobe needs a clear-out.

The Non-Ironic Princess: I have to point out at this stage that this was fancy dress.

I also have to point out that really liked wearing this outfit in a totally non-ironic way. Yes… even those white satin pumps. Note the ‘hand on hip with one leg in front of the other’ pose that I’m rocking – that’s one smug 15 year old right there.

But what is most revealing is that this dress belonged to my best friend’s sister who wore it as part of her bridesmaid’s outfit for a family wedding.

I know. Now that’s one set of wedding photos I’d really like to see.

The Devil Child: I can’t even begin to describe this look.

In fact it scares me a little bit.

My eyes look like they’re rolling back in my head and my centre parting is so severe that it looks as if someone has taken a meat cleaver to it. Which reminds me, I really need to get my fringe cut back in; clearly I cannot rock the non-fringed do.

All I can say is that I’m aged about 14 here and I’m attempting a pout. The very fact that I look like a deranged zombie and not a vampy vixen probably explains why I couldn’t get a boyfriend until I was nearly 17.

Urgh.

Becky

Britney:
I was a bit of a performing tart in my youth. I believe this photo is from one of my many New Years Eve home performances ( o yes, renditions of Britney and Eternal were always top of the bill) with my very good friend who is sporting a very fetching orange vest top.

I wanted to be Britney Spears. I think I’m pretty ‘Hit me baby one more time’, don’t you?

I’ve got the very odd, very small pig tails on top of my head which goes wonderfully with my adidas trackies and black crop top. Hot.

Sporty:
Mizuno trainers, check. White stretch trousers, check. Man United shirt, check. O and don’t forget the hair in a ponytail with two bits pulled down the front ala Angel from Home and Away. Stand next to teenage older brother (who will be really pleased about this!) and in front of growing Sun Flowers and there you have it. Trend setter in the making.

Stefani:

Where to even start.

Cue friends birthday in a limo (I can quite clearly recall this night). Very random haircut. I’d been taking part in some ‘hair modelling’ and this is what happened. Black boobtube with very very short skirt, teamed with fishnet tights (you’re very lucky they are on my legs…I used to also wear them as tops. Yes. You read that correctly). Add some knee hight boots, plastic hoop earrings, wannabe Gwen Stefani red lips and a right hand of acrylic nails…minus the index finger nail. O and note the very overly plucked brows. Jealous much??

Adam

The Cure:

Ok, so the image top left is actually of me at a fancy dress party as Robert Smith from The Cure… But, all those clothes (purple and black floral shirt, black shiny cardigan and white jeans) were actually mine and I wore them. A lot. Ummm… the black nail varnish was mine too and that is my real hair people. I borrowed the eye shadow from a friend who should have known better.

Teen Spirit:
Top right, I suppose I should say that once again this is my real hair. Probably the only way to make a Tuxedo look bad on a guy is to team it with some unkempt bleach blonde Kurt Cobain locks… Oh and also never leave home without giving yourself a quick going over with one of those lint roller things if you don’t want everyone to think you have a severe case of dandruff.

Beads:
The other pics in this gallery of shame are all about the beads. Big, Big Beads made of wood and glass, beads big enough to actually be able to slow you down. Here I show how they can be teamed just as successfully with a baggy v-neck as they can with a khaki cream and grey panelled fleece. The most important thing with this look is to set it off against a shock of greasy fringe action. Any colour works.

If you can get some balls in shot then all the better.

So you gorgeous lot you, have you ever wanted to emulate a 90’s popstar? left the house wearing not very many clothes at all?

We want to hear ALL about it.

Big Tragic Love

Team RMW xxx

Author: Charlotte O’Shea
Purveyor of short shorts. Make-up junkie. Hopes to grow old disgracefully.

49 thoughts on “Tragedy.

  1. Firstly…I can’t bear that my photos appear so HUGE! And I was feeling slightly mortified I had allowed myself to share these tragedies with you all…until I saw Adams!! I am laughing VERY hard! Love the beads.

    Tell us all folks…I’d love to see some velvet hats from some of you…I know you rocked them at some point!

    Happy hilarious wardrobe horror stories Monday

    Becky
    x

  2. Oh man this is funny…you all look shamazing!

    I’m afraid I have no wardrobe malfunctions to share with you 🙂 … or maybe that’s a huge lie! I did own a pair of Tammy Girl dungarees that I would only secure at one side, oh and some All Saintsesque combat trousers that were ten sizes too big put together with a range of crop tops. Yack!

    Xxx

    P.S. Adam are you sure that’s you in those pics, it looks nothing like you?

  3. Adam wins. That is all.

    Well not All obviously!! Im a bit disappointed to see no evidence of the following:

    Heather Shimmer or Black Cherry Rimmel lipstick
    Looooong loooong black skirts
    Leggings – the first time round, ie. mid-late ’90’s!!
    BAD platform shoes circa 1995
    Beaded hair (i did this and the beads were so heavy that the whole bunch of hair I’d plaited dropped out along with the beads OW-EEEEE)

    We are all guilty of serious crimes against fashion, Lime Green Bootleg trousers, Cropped Vests, denim tube dress (I thought i looked like Geri Halliwell in it!), Red Silk shirt and Black suede skirt combo, cost my mother a bloody fortune!!

    We live and learn, we live and learn!!

  4. hahahahahaha!!!
    Guys this is toooo funny! :-p

    The list of Rebecca fashion faux pas is just too long, so here’s a summary…..

    bright green platform boot things (meant to be like spice girls but came from Miss Selfridges instead!) / union jack chainmail type halterneck top / massive combat trouser belonging to a friend (2 sizes too big for me!)
    and the best……..fake burberry trousers & crop top combo!!!

    Oh and like @Hels Bels – I had some awesome brown Rimmel lipstick! Brown?!!! haha

    Thanks for the Monday afternoon cheer up!! xxx

  5. @Tabitha I said the exact same thing – I couldn’t believe it was Adam but he assures me that it is! And Tammy girl! I so forgot about Tammy Girl – my first solo purchase was from this establishment (a maxi skirt and baker boy hat!)

    @Hels Bels I had a denim tube dress too – from Morgan. I wore it only because it was tight enough to give me some semblance of a chest.

    Does anyone else remember hair glitter??

  6. @Lolly i think my denim dress was from morgan too, I had strappy denim wedges from Miss Selfridge to complete the look!!

    Hair Glitter was a staple of my youth 😉

    I also used to spray my hair different colours with Fudge spray, Pink was my fave!!

  7. Amazing! Yep do remember hair glitter and hair mascara (I had green and orange, so gross!) and stick on bindis – what?!
    @ Charlotte, I was also a fan of white eyeshadow, for a big night coupled with black kohl pencil, mm, good look!
    @ Becky, I had a black velvet floppy hat with a black velvet flower on it….luckily no photos though! Phew.
    Tick for horrible platforms too, some weird silver/grey velcro ones that looked a bit like robot shoes. Hmmmmm!

  8. @Kat I was a massive Boyzone fan.

    Massive.

    Stephen was my favourite so I was gutted when I found out he didn’t like women in the sexual way. Because clearly I was going to marry him otherwise… What a dope I was!

    And hair mascara was a stroke of genius!

  9. This might be my new favorite RMW post. I clicked on the “tradgedy” link and was expecting something depressing that would make me cry, any yet instead I found myself laughing wholeheartedly at the images and accompanying explanations. I don’t know if y’all ever had the “white eyeliner” craze hit you, but over here in the States it reached us when I was in 7th grade. I disTINCTLY remember wearing white eyeliner to catch the attention of a boy in my science class, and while batting my eyelashes at him one day he told me “hey, I think you rubbed the white stuff off of one of your eyes.” Cue: INTENSE BLUSHING. I never wore it again after that.

  10. @Lauren – Tammy Girl rocked my world, I spent most of my Saturdays in there, ya know just…hanging out! x

    @Rebecca – How does a ‘union jack chainmail type halterneck top’ even work??? x

  11. I don’t know where to even start with my wardrobe malfunctions!

    Adiddas trackie bottoms with pink sparkly vest top a la Sporty Spice.

    Earlier in the 90s when most of my wardrobe was hand me downs I was rocking a pink floral polo shirt with black and neon lycra cycling shorts (dear God).

    In my teenage years when I was really in to ska and punk and pop punk and other similarly named genres I wore BRIGHT red flared cargo type trousers with a clashing BRIGHT turquoise Bench diagonal zipping jacket.

    If I could go back in time I would myself: NO. Just, no.

  12. Yep. It’s me.

    A lot of my friends from school don’t recognise me if they see me these days… I was bit of chunky monkey back in the day.

    Probably my biggest fashion crime was a few pairs of those MASSIVE skater jeans that had legs that were literally a foot in diameter… Thank god no photo evidence exists.

    @Kat – So the pink hair isn’t natural then?

    Adam.

  13. @Kitty – YES! Skirt trousers! Mum wouldn’t buy me a pair for dress down day so I fashioned my own pair out of a black skirt & black bootleg trousers!!!! ha ha!
    I did eventually get a pair – white trousers with a sheer blue ‘skirt’ over the top – paired with a white vest top with the V at the bottom of the front to show off my belly!!! OH DEAR LORD!!!

    @Tabs – well I guess it wasn’t chainmail but I have no idea how to describe – imagine lots of tiny metal squares linked together & those tiny metal squares are red, white & blue!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh & it had NO BACK?!! That would NEVER happen now! hahaha

    Oh & yup – I had hair mascara – blue if I remember correctly! :-/

    xxx

  14. This has made my DAY.

    Apparently the Spice Girls have a LOT to answer for. I was modelling myself on Posh and came out of Tammy Girl with a baby blue pleather mini-skirt suit. Yep… SUIT.

    Also Lolly, with absolutely no offence meant whatsoever, your friends face in ‘The Devil Child’ photo terrifies me way more than your exorcism-impression… But we all have a friend like that. Sadly, I think I was that friend for most of my lot…

    x

  15. @ Rebecca I had blue hair mascara too! I also painted my nails with Collection 2000 nail polish in really bright rainbow colours, a different colour for every nail!

  16. @Daphne – I have to say – I still think stick on bhindis are AMAZING. Ahhhhhh the Gwen Stefani loving days!!! x
    (Ps. still LOVE that girl!) x

  17. What the hell????

    Um…

    So Adam – you make a brilliant Robert Smith. Well done!!

    @Becky – Man U??? Oh and I used to like you! Loving the brows!

    @Lolly – the mustard dress is fantastic! I love how your face says ‘i’m the shiz’

    @Charlotte – Oh love, you are 100%, Grade A hoochie!

    You are all very brave. But just look at you now.

    Thanks for the laughs 🙂 xx

  18. When I told my darling sister about this post she exclaimed ‘Oh My Lord how could you possibly choose?!! All of your outfits were so tragic!!’

    Um thanks.

    She then went on to say how I basically used to dress like a right ol’ tart.

    Becky the Stefani was aces.

  19. @tabitha I’m so glad we met whilst I was at Uni. Otherwise I don’t think we’d be together. Mainly due to thinking at the age of 14/15 that a bright orange Ralph Lauren shirt and black jeans combo was a good look *homer Simpson-esq shudder*

  20. Pahaha! O I don’t know @Karen…I just supported whoever my big bro did didn’t I…and I was slightly in love with Ryan Giggs!

    Becky Stefani…I like it. It has a good ring to it.

    Might have to roll out the red lippy again…or maybe not.

  21. @Chris – hello h2b *waves* fancy seeing you here! I’m glad we did too, I’ve seen the pictures!! xxx

    P.S. I knew you secretly read RMW 😛

  22. @Karen @Tabitha @Rebecca Oh my actual god!!! I had chain mail backless tops in black AND silver!! It was from Morgan where I was working at the time so I got a massive discount…. All the more reason to invest in tasteless tassels.

  23. @Becky – Mmm, that was about the time I was in love with Jamie Redknapp. I wore the 93-94 away shirt with Redknapp 15 on the back at every opportunity. Perhaps in the hope that one day he’d see me and appreciate the effort i’d gone to.

    @Charlotte – Morgan was amazing for late 90’s early 00’s tasteless fashions. I miss Morgan! xx

  24. @Tabitha @Chris that’s so sweet that Chris reads the blog. Hurray for our men readers!

    @Karen @Charlotte I also had an obsession with Morgan – I think I purchased a lycra, white maxi-skirt number from here.

    It was hideous but I actually thought I looked H.O.T. It clung in all the wrong places and having looked at a home video of me wearing it to my sister’s 10th birthday party down the village hall (YES down to the village hall!!) it was see-through too. Thanks mum!

  25. Hehe I had a lime green and navy adidas tracksuit, when the adidas symbol was the shape of a dubious looking plant and a matching lime green t-shirt. I wore it ALL the time! Thankfully nowadays I’m aware that sports wear should be reserved for just that, sport.
    Other tragic outfits included a full length suede coat (which still lives at my mum & dad’s as it was so expensive I can’t bear to get rid of it!), massive skater jeans and also cords termed with some very fetching crop tops and cartoon t-shirts, and a dress I bought for a Christmas dance that looked as if it was made entirely from silver tinsel… Thank goodness Facebook didn’t appear until I was in final year of uni and wearing clothes that look a bit less ridiculous! X

  26. 1. What on earth is happening to Ste’s hair (including the facial kind), Lol?

    2. Adam must have had face surgery, probably because he is in the witness protection program. It’s the only explanation.

  27. @Karen @Charlotte @Lauren – I’m afraid I can no longer talk to you!!! I was a H&M girl & worked at their Watford store – we had a long standing feud with the Morgan shop!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Clothes shop politics! haha!
    :-p xxx

  28. haha Lauren we would have been firm friends! I am ALL about reinventing hair mascara now too. lets bring it BACK

    Adam – I kid you not, a chav asked me that same question DEADLY serious a while back.

    Jeez I wish it was natural though, it would save me a LOT of time and effort!

  29. @Kat I think we all know what you secretly want for Christmas…But yes I’m thinking I might use a bit of the ol’ hair glitter and blue mascara for New Year. You have been warned.

    @Kitty I’ve seen a lot of wedge sneaker things creeping about you know.

    @Ann – I simply do not know! And this was all when I was re-inventing his look. Crikey do not hire me as a style guru because clearly I suck.

  30. @Becca – H&M didnt exist in other towns when I was a teen!! I had to go there when I was in London. That could even have been when it was still Hennes. God I’m OLD.

    @Lolly – Ste looks like John Bishop’s little brother! xx

  31. Muahahaha Charlotte I can’t believe those acrylic nails! You should totally go back to wearing them…and the sweatband…it just works 😉

    Love all the tragic photos of everyone…laughed a lot at your description of your outfits Lauren!

    Adam I have no words…clearly your modelling career took off early right?

    I can totally remember Tammy Girl and did anyone shop at Etam??? In fact does that still exist somewhere? I loved it.
    I loved those wide legged cullottes (spelling??)…but really shouldn’t have worn them being of the curvy hipped/;egged variety! I also had a moment with dungarees with a teeny tiny sports bra showing out the sides…yum!

    Loved hair glitter and hair mascara…it would guarantee end up all over my outfits though as I lacked the where withall to apply it before getting dressed!

    I also used to love that glitter gel you could put all over your cheekbones/side of your eyes, classic.

    One thing I am proud never to have sported is the dark dark lip liner with pale lippie combo…my sisters did! They also had blazers with mahoosive shoulder pads I used to dress up in and massive platformed shoes! Oh and perms. I had a perm. I was 13, it didn’t look good!

    Oh and I may have had a fake nosering too. That sometime also doubled up as a fake lip ring. Eeeek.

    xx

  32. @Lolly – he doesn’t now! He did then. Don’t worry, people say it about Lee too, and Lee and Ste don’t look alike so it must all be lies! xx

  33. I also used to wear fishnets as tops… AND had one of the floppy velvet flower hats like Blossom… AND platform trainers… I also used to tie old lady headscarves like the Queen wears round me as a sort of triangular top. Good lord 🙂

  34. I owned and WORE ALL of these things, and I’m pretty sure my aunt and sis did too 😐 Oh the 90’s.

    Check list:
    Velvet tops, Fishnet vest top, Gothic combats ( The really long dark ones,) Street combats ( The ones with the sashay tassle bits and buckles) Platforms, Platform trainers, Adidas ribbed trainers, Hair scrapped back into spikey bunches with the two fringe bits ( They framed my face ok?), and yes Heather Shimmer by Rimmel… OH and who else has STREAKS?!

  35. OMG this is bringing memories screaming back! I actually worked in Tammy Girl from the age of 17 to 19 and had to wear the stuff, so I had an interesting wardrobe – skirt-trousers (I think we called them ‘skousers’!), cartoon tshirts, mini-skirts with knee socks, I could go on.

    Shall I go on?

    Purple and blue hair mascara, Boots 17 Glitterbug gel, henna tattoos on my palms, Polly Pocket charm bracelet, massive flared pants, a sheer glittery net top with only a Wonderbra underneath, asymmetric hems (I LOVED anything that was a bit wonky. Hence the lorry driver), Hooch zip-up tops, a Lipsy skirt with a sort of photographic print of poppies on…and the best part is, I never threw most of it away and we moved house over the weekend so a lot of these gorgeous items were dredged up from where I’d so carefully buried them! I may have to try them all on to amuse myself – it was very exciting finding my first grownup frock (Topshop navy blue velvet maxi with criss-cross straps, circa 1996). Thanks for making me giggle and taking my mind off all the many boxes I’ve got to unpack!x

  36. Goodness me! I just burst out laughing at my desk and I got a fair few funny looks.

    My personal fave has to be Becky’s sporty look. I rocked this look far too may times aswell, even down to the tight ponytail with two tiny bits of hair hanging in front of my eyes….shudder!!

    Does anyone else remember wearing tracky bottoms, with a checked shirt and a Kappa jumper or jacket? Hope it’s not just me!

    I even remember wearing tracky bottoms with Kickers shoes?? Good grief!

  37. @Kelly that has made me laugh a LOT!! It was very important that the Kickers shoe still had matching leather swatch still attached. They were simply not cool if you lost that vital part.

    As for the checked shirt Kappa jumper combo…I think you’re by yourself on that!

    Ruddy hilarious

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