The Big Sexy.

Morning gorgeous folks, it’s Charlotte here – (albeit briefly)… sometimes you’ve got to hold your hands up and say “I’m not the right person to write this piece” but if it’s something you think is relevant and/or important then the answer is simple – find someone that IS. For those of you that are familiar with RMW 2011 real bride Naomi then you will understand why her no-holds-barred and witty conversational style was made to cover this personal and somewhat taboo topic. For those of that are not familiar with Madam Liddell well – you soon will be, and you are in for a take-away-the-Monday-morning-blues treat… of the slightly naughty but non-calorific variety.

As always we welcome your opinions, thoughts and general awesome community spirit, feel free to comment as Anon/an alias if you would prefer to keep your identity private.

Sex and Marriage

During a recent Skype conversation between myself and the tiny, blonde Charlotte, we got talking about garters. Which then lead on to us talking about sexiness. Which then lead to us talking about sex. Especially sex after marriage. It went something like this:

Me: Maybe you should do a garters/sexiness/sex post on RMW.

Charlotte: Hmm… I’ve thought about this one before. Do you think it would go down well? I suppose there is that whole “Once it’s “I do”, it’s “I don’t in the bedroom” thing people say, which is quite frankly rubbish!

Me: I don’t in the bedroom?? That’s insane. Who says stuff like that??

Charlotte: I know! I don’t know if I’m the right person to write about it though. Maybe you should?

Me: You want me to write about sex and sexiness on RMW?

Charlotte: Yes. Listen, if fancy glossy Bridal magazines can write about sex and marriage, we can. Anyway, I think you’re the perfect person for it…

So let me begin by saying that I am by no means an expert. I also do not have the perfect collection of lingerie, nor do I have the perfect sex life to go with it. But because there is no such thing as the perfect lingerie collection and there is no such thing as the perfect sex life, I believe that we can all start off on the same page and talk pretty frankly about, what is essentially an important part of any marriage.

Once It’s I Do, It’s I Don’t In The Bedroom

Can I just take a moment to say something? This phrase angers me. What complete and utter bollocks. Pardonne le Francais. But whoever came up with this little tidbit of worldy knowledge clearly did not have a very well rounded marriage on the go. Or perhaps they were just someone trying to justify their choices in life by speculating on the marriages of others. Either way, I can honestly say that once I became Mrs L, I didn’t have the sudden inclination to become celebate. Quite the opposite actually.

The other thing I would like to raise is that question. The one that generally gets thrown at you by a single aquaintance who doesn’t know you too well, usually at a party and is also generally accompanied by a few too many Cab Sauv.

The “So, you’re going to have sex with one person for the rest of your life?!” question.

I’d like to take this opportunity to discuss this question, as anyone who is in a loving and lustful relationship will tesify, it generally comes across quite insulting.

The answer to this question in very basic terms is “Yes, I’m going to have sex with one person for the rest of my life.” But if looked at through the eyes of someone who is head over heels in love and adoration, ready to spend the rest of their life with said person and happens to find said person insanely sexually attractive, the answer should read more like this:

“(Hell) Yes, I’m going to have (the best) sex (I’ve ever had) with (the) one person (that I want to have sex with) for the rest of my life.”

To be perfectly frank (and I warned you I would be), I am delighted to have sexual exploration with other people behind me. I am glad to be rid of awkward encounters with men in clubs, deciphering body language/text messages and disappointing sexual experiences.

I can now say that I am lucky enough to spend the rest of my life having fun. Sexy fun with my husband. My husband who adores me in every way. With ‘forever’ meaning that we can spend our time working on having a smokin’ hot sex life. Time well spent I believe.

Great Expectations

Let us begin with the wedding night. Some of you may be looking forward to sex on your wedding night. Some of you haven’t even thought about it and are more concerned about drowning in a sea of table plans. Some of you may be having sex for the first time on your wedding night. Some of you may be worried about falling asleep drunk.

So I’ll tell you about us. We did not have sex on our wedding night. There’s a bit of an elaborate story about our hotel fiasco over on my blog, but the jist is, we were locked out of our room until 5am. Cue, Gavin and I falling into bed, me realising we were both filthy, the sheets were ‘spensive and white and forcing half asleep Gavin to get a bath with me. Now we all know that bath sex just doesn’t work, so we sipped Champagne and soaked in the tub, all dewy eyed and exhausted. We then curled up in bed together and woke up on our first morning as man and wife, still completely high on the love from the day before and then we consumated our marriage.

I think people put a lot of pressure on their sex lives. Everyone seems to believe that everyone is having more sex than them. So here is where I say, some are, some aren’t. And who cares? Focus on yourselves. Yes, there will be times when you and your man just cannot, for the love of sugar puffs, keep your hands off each other. Yes, there will also be times when you both just want to veg out and sex doesn’t even enter into it. Yes, there will also be times when one of you is up for it and the other one couldn’t be further away from it. But you know what? That’s ok. We can’t always be raging sex maniacs. But here’s the secret that I’ve found works for me: It should be fun. Flirty and sexy and giggly and touchy feely and fun. Anytime Gavin and I aren’t on the same wavelength sexually, we step it right back to the beginning and promise to flirt more with each other. We spend days flirting, which makes us both feel more sexy and puts the spark right back where it belongs.

All sex lives require effort from time to time. But effort for sex should always be half the fun.

I’m Sexy And I Know It

Girlies, as I type this, I am sitting in an old t-shirt and shorts, sweating bullets as it’s 43 degrees outside and the room I’m in doesn’t have air con. I haven’t straightened my hair and I’m pretty convinced I still have seeds from my lemon and poppy seed muffin stuck in my teeth. Do you think if Gavin walks in now, I’ll be all “Come on, big boy.” No. I am entirely unsexy at this moment in time. But that’s ok.

Because once I finish writing this post, I’m going to put on some music, get showered, put on a summer dress, paint my nails and spritz some of my favourite perfume around to make myself feel sexy before my husband gets home. I’ll also make an effort to be flirty and giggly, because getting a laugh out of my husband makes me feel insanely sexy. No idea why.

It may sound very ‘Stepford Wives’ (and make no mistake, Gavin is quite regularly subjected to a less than preened version of myself), but every now and then I will go out of my way to look hot. There are usually two people I will do this for, and no I’m not about to divulge some weird, sordid secret. The two very important people in my life that I speak of are: My husband. And MYSELF.

As women, we all know the value of feeling sexy in our own skin. We all have our rituals for beauty and we all have our rituals for sexy. Usually the sexy is reserved for the bedroom. But I say make sexy apart of your lifestyle. When we feel sexy, we act sexy and when we act sexy, we want sex. Nine times out of ten, the man in your life is going to spot these signs and pounce on you like a lion with a steak.

And I’ll let you all in on a secret… Nothing has made me feel as smokin’ hot and sexy as I do, now that I’m Gavin’s wife.

So ladies, I’ve told you mine… now it’s time for you to tell me yours.

What are your thoughts on sex after marriage?

Do you think you’ll have sex on your wedding night? And for the wives out there… did you even have sex on your wedding night?

What makes you feel at your sexiest? Matching underwear? Killer heels? A flirty smile from your man?

Lots of I-can’t believe-I-just-talked-about-sex-on-Rock-My-Wedding Love,

Naomi

P.S. How delighted am I to be writing on these polka dot pages again?! I’ve missed you all.

Author: Naomi Liddell

45 thoughts on “The Big Sexy.

  1. Hi Naomi

    Thanks for this article, because of my dress I can’t wear nice underwear for my wedding day, the only thing I can wear is a very plain nude bra and knickers so I was thinking I might change. Just not sure how I would actually do this and am thinking perhaps at that stage I just won’t care?! 🙂 x

  2. Aah, yay! I love that RMW has broached this subject, as it felt as if it was being skipped over a bit. But as I’m on here not as a bride or as a newly-wed (my best friend is engaged and I have become totally addicted to RMW!), I will just say that I agree with Naomi 10000% about making sexy a part of the lifestyle. My thing: wearing sexy underwear EVERY FRICKING DAY 😀 Because you never know what might happen. And life’s too short for ugly knickers! xxx

  3. Brilliant post! I hate that awkward moment when your talking about getting married and people say ” one person for the rest of your life!” it bores me……. Let says it’s not been a problem for the last 7 years so really!!!
    The whole wedding night thing I would like to say we would but you just can’t plan those things! I know a girl who got married and her and her new husband went for a bit of fun before the wedding breakfast!!!! (talk about can’t keep their hands off each other) and I loved that what a good way to start the rest of their lives!

    S
    X

  4. @Sarah: Yes, I have a friend who did that! I think it’s totally sexy and romantic, but I bet the control freak in me would feel I was missing out on the wedding! Still, a quickie before the wedding breakfast is SUCH a perfect combination of naughty and nice! Hmmm… xx

  5. Great article. Thanks for tackling a difficult topic in such a well written, readable manner. Would love to read more from Naomi on RMW x x

  6. One man for the rest of my life sounds pretty perfect actually. The thought of those encounters before h2b make me shudder a little, a case of “what was I thinking and how drunk was I?”!
    Sometimes I can’t believe how bloody lucky I am that h2b wants to marry me. I mean really, me!! But when he tells me that, even my occasionally awful stretch marks from carrying our baby disappear and I feel sexy as hell!!

    We’ve had the convo of sex on the wedding night and have asked married friends and most have said it didn’t happen, so no pressure for us! I’m quite happy to wake up in a blissful state the day after our wedding look at my amazing husband next to me and carry on having amazing sex knowing its with him forever 🙂

  7. Great post! It really is tiresome when people make assumptions about others’ sex lives. Having a deep and meaningful with a friend last year he was really pleased to hear that sex gets so much better the longer you’re with somebody you love.
    My husband-to-be and I are perfectly fine with the possibility that we might be too tired/tipsy/busy partying to go for it on our wedding night. I think consummation of your marriage should follow the same principle that makes sex in a loving relationship so great – no pressure.

  8. Loving the post Naomi! I even switched the radio off to read it through 🙂

    I dont expect to have sex on my wedding night, we will be knackered, and he doesn’t either. If we do though, old school traditional bonus.

    As for the ‘having sex with one person blah blah’ … I love having sex with my man it is thee most fun and i am way over the moon that it shall be continuing this way for the rest of my days! I totally fancy the pants off him, he tells me he fancies me more now than ever (despite a food baby) and he seems to find me sexy/attractive at the strangest of times.

    Big sexy love!

  9. Thank you for this post – I’m so glad to see this on RMW, not least because I nodded my head at every point you made!

    A couple of months ago, I actually asked my groom how he felt about only having sex with me for the rest of his life, as I wondered if he’d thought about it. He said I was the only person he wanted to have sex with and that sounded brilliant. It’s definitely a question to ask yourself and your partner, in among all the other questions you ask yourself when making a lifelong commitment. But it’s not a question for anyone else to ask you. I think people who say it are often jealous – because you are just beginning, while they either haven’t got started, or have messed it up. Because if you’re happy with your own life, you don’t pour scorn on other people’s.

    What are my thoughts on sex after marriage? I don’t know, yet, but I don’t believe for one second that marriage is bad for your sex life. Your sex life might go downhill for all sorts of reasons. Just because something happens after you get married, it doesn’t mean it happened because you got married and you can’t blame the fact you’re married for whatever went wrong. I think being married could encourage you to work harder at fixing things when they break down, whether in or out of the bedroom.

    Do I think I’ll have sex on my wedding night? I’m not sure, and I’m not worried about it. We’re staying in our first-night hotel for two nights, and I think we may well be too tired to do anything on the night itself, and that’s okay! I like the sound of sipping champagne in the bath, but chances are we’ll crash out and leave the bath, and the sex, until the next morning, or afternoon. That’s okay, I don’t feel the need to stress about it, we’ll enjoy ourselves and do what we feel like.

    What makes me feel sexy? My perfume (I always, always wear Naughty Alice by Vivienne Westwood). Clean, straightened hair. Nice underwear. Which for me is often not so much sexy as cute – pretty colours, bows, stripes, spots, and nothing with holes in ever! Sometimes it’s fun to wear ones that do up with ties (or, as my man puts it, ones that undo) .

    I recently had a confidence crisis about the fact I don’t often go in for sexy underwear like Agent Provocateur type stuff and don’t wear stockings and suspenders (which started because I asked about hosiery on a Facebook group I’m in and a few people were talking about tights being too unsexy for your wedding day and I didn’t have a clue if or why that was the case – I felt like an underwear moron) and I asked my groom if he would find me more attractive if I did wear that kind of stuff every day instead of cute pants and socks or tights.

    And he looked baffled, then he said that complicated underwear is fun but not necessary every day, and that he likes all my underwear because I’m in it! I think it’s important to remember that our men view us positively. While we look at ourselves with a critical eye, they see what they like.

    And I think you should do that with wedding night sex, too. Don’t think: “Argh, I didn’t have it.” Think: “Wow, we have the rest of our lives together, that’s awesome, let’s just chill and do what’s right for us.”

    I am wearing stockings and suspenders on my wedding day – trying my wedding day undies on was the first time I’d ever worn them and, wow, they aren’t half fiddly. I’m not wearing them out of an obligation to be sexy under my dress, I just figured I’d be more, ahem, well-ventilated than if I wore tights. And they’re fun. But wear them every day? Not going to happen!

    Thanks again for such a brilliant post and sorry this comment is such an essay.

  10. You guys are rocking my world with these comments.

    @Rachel – I wore nude seamless bad boys. Kept the sexy for the next night!

    @CWM & @Sarah – I would love to have done it before the meal, especially at that bit where Gavin and I were jumping on the bed (minus photographer of course) but the nude seamless pants were enough to have me acting like the blushing bride and batting my husband away. I admire anyone who has the balls (and lingerie friendly dress) to carry it off.

    @OJG, H, Teresa, Branwen, Lauren – Thanks girlies! I was rather nervous about sending in this post!

    I love that Rock My Wedding has no problem bringing out the big guns when something needs to be discussed.

  11. @OJG – food baby… hahahaha!

    Annie – I LOVE your outlook. You can tell that you and your man are going to have an awesome sex life together. In my experience, not all sex needs to look like a scene from an Agent P ad.

  12. @Annie – I read your comment with great interest, I feel we may be underwear twins….

    I too tend to go for girly/pretty numbers and my especially sexy panties are the ones with ties too – I recently bought some in peach with polka dots (I am so predictable!!) and as far as complication goes that’s my limit, a lot of these garter belt/suspender doo-dahs fill me with the fear – I just know I would stand there like a berk not knowing how to get them off!!!

    Good for you having a go for wedding night – I am determined to at least try at some stage in my life… It’s likely I’ll finally pluck up the courage when I’m 92 years of age and there I will be, posing in my marabou slippers, lacy basque and dentures!!

    Charlotte xx

  13. I really enjoyed this post, and loads of the points you make are brilliant- wedding night was absolutely lush fun 😉

    But I’d just say- the dream of being able to have amazing newlywed continual shagging just didn’t happen for me. The day after our wedding, a series of horrible events started to happen- I spent most of our honeymoon upset, tearful, blotchy and distinctly unsexy, and I think we’ve had the worst 6 months of our sex lives since getting married. This was all due to outside factors which beat down on us a bit. HOWEVER, we have grieved together, dealt with horrible sad things together, and grown stronger together- we are perhaps more intimate than we ever have been. And the best thing about being married is we don’t have to be at it like rabbits (while it’s great when we are)- this is it, we’ve got the rest of our lives to enjoy each other, so if one of us is sad or just wants a snuggle and a snooze, it is absolutely no big deal. We’ll still be there for each other in the morning, and every morning for the rest of our lives to catch up on the night before. xxxxxxx

    and with the wedding pants thing- I went safe nude with bra and white and tiny with pants. Or you could just slip the pants off and leave the dress on? 😉 xxxx

  14. Brilliant post – its great to have you back again Naomi!
    I have had this discussion with the boy as we will have been together 9years when we get married. He looked at me a little confused and replied, ‘I still fancy you like mad and wouldn’t want to be with anyone else’ – then I welled up! I also agree with the above comment it gets better and better if you ask me!

    I don’t think of it as the same person just the right person and the one I love. We are really open about sex and are adventurous so our love life has always been sexy and fun and will stay that way just on a more deep and meaningful level because we will be married – and I can’t bloody wait!! xx

  15. @charlotte I only tried on my stockings and suspender belts after asking several friends to explain how and, um, watching a YouTube video that showed how to put them on.

    One thing I left out of my last post: my groom has suggested that, the day after the wedding, I wear my wedding day outfit (whatever that is – he doesn’t know what accessories I have) minus the dress. Not a bad idea…

  16. Wow. What a fabulous post! Naomi, it’s so good to have you back on RMW, with your honest, heartfelt writing. This was a post made for you to cover!!

    I agreed with everything you put – it makes me angry when people feel it is OK to pass judgement and make assumptions about things that have nothing to do with them.

    As for wedding night nookie – if it happens, great; if not, we have the rest of our lives to play bedroom (or any other room!) games 😉

    Thank you RMW for covering this topic!

    xx

  17. I’m loving just how positive and confident you lot are with your sex lives!!

    @Lucy S – Sounds like you guys went through the mill at the start! Sometimes things just happen that throw you for six and there’s nothing you can do other than work through it together. It usually means sex is the first thing to go, but you get it back with a little love and effort on both parts. The fact you both saw that through & didn’t make a huge deal about it shows you’re on the right track as far as im concerned!

    Just means you’ll have to have ANOTHER honeymoon I think 😉 oh well… The things we must do for marriage!

  18. Fab post Naomi! 🙂

    We did on our wedding night. Reception kicking out time was midnight so we got to enjoy a nice leisurely bath with champagne together before enjoying the bed 😉 We had discussed before the wedding that if it didn’t happen that night then it didn’t matter (as so many friends had admitted they were too tired/drunk to), but I think we were both a bit determined to make it happen!

    As for lack of sex after marriage – I think that is a sneaky rumour spread by married folks who don’t want everyone else to know that sex after marriage is so much better than before!! Remember having a discussion with hubby on honeymoon along the lines of “is it just me or is sex after marriage like blow your socks off better than before?!?!” – the sex has always been good but honestly the connection of actually being married just seems to take it to the next level.

    During the week my hubby doesn’t live at home so I can get away with whatever undies and no one is any the wiser – but some days it’s nice to wear my fanciest pants just to make me feel good. Honestly, at weekends it doesn’t matter too much what I wear either – he’d always prefer me out of them anyway 😉 But nice to make a special effort sometimes.

    And as for having sex with the same person for the rest of your life – well what could be better than knowing every inch of each other, and knowing exactly what makes the other tick. I think people who ask that question are probably a teeny bit jealous and so are trying to make out that they have the better deal.

    Hmmm, talkin bout sex really does brighten up a Monday morning! 😉

    xx

  19. Yay – Naomi’s back!! I read your blog but it’s good to see you back on these pages 🙂

    @LadyFuschia – totally agree, what a way to brighton a dull, rainy, miserable Monday morning!

    It’s great to see that the rumours aren’t true (at least not with you lot on here!) about sex stopping after marriage. I too can think of nothing better than sex with nobody else but my man for the rest of my life…total bliss!! And THANK GOD – no more first times *does a little dance to celebrate*

    xx

  20. This post is fabulous and I am really interested in what people are wearing under their frocks because I too am having dilemnas…

    However, I am going to have to read it in-depth when I have calmed down because seriously…..WHERE IS THE BRIDE WITH THE GOLD SHOES AND AMAZING FIGURE?!!!!!!!!!

    I ran all the way from the train station to my office (which is some task in stack platforms I tell you) because I was so excited!

    YOU’RE KILLING ME!

    Although maybe this is a lesson in sexy seduction…a bit of suspense can work wonders?!

    xoxo

  21. On our wedding night, my new husband very romantically washed and dried my feet (filthy from dancing in bare feet) after I had a shower and then carried me into bed and we made love. I honestly thought it wouldn’t happen because we were so exhausted but he was determined and it was fabulous.
    I agree with the others, that it does get better and better. We went on holiday this January and we were like newlyweds. It has never been better and I can only see it going up from here. Sex in marriage rocks

  22. Hi Naomi! really well written post 🙂 I have not given it too much thought to be honest but if we don’t connsumate our marriage on the night then we have the rest of our lives together and I’m really looking forward to that X

  23. Don’t look while in the office, though, some of the videos that come up are, ahem, not what you might be searching for exactly.

  24. @ Annie – I had that problem when I googled nude pumps on the net at work- some very dodgy, non shoe related items came up!!

  25. Well…I received a red sparkly box from my mum for Christmas with wedding underwear in it – white satin pants and a suspender belt with blue sparkles, and ivory suspenders.

    At first I thought : ah, how inappropriate, then ‘aah I’ve opened these infront of everyone. and then: hmm this isn’t what I would have chosen…

    So…I’ve bought nude suspenders with blue bows at the top instead, swapped the pants for something nicer, and as I can’t wear a bra, I’ve bought some red sequined heart shaped pasties (burlesque style!)

    I think it’s the eight level of traditional and me!

  26. Well…I received a red sparkly box from my mum for Christmas with wedding underwear in it – white satin pants and a suspender belt with blue sparkles, and ivory suspenders.

    At first I thought : ah, how inappropriate, then ‘aah I’ve opened these infront of everyone. and then: hmm this isn’t what I would have chosen…

    So…I’ve bought nude suspenders with blue bows at the top instead, swapped the pants for something nicer, and as I can’t wear a bra, I’ve bought some red sequined heart shaped pasties (burlesque style!)

    I think it’s the right level of traditional and me!

  27. I find that people saying ‘sex with the one person for the rest of your life’ are jealous…normally single…or have just come out of a break-up. I am with Naomi…i think i will feel more sexy when i am Mrs! We know we both will be knackered on our wedding night & i will get good morning alarm the next day 😉 hehe. So there is no pressure!

    we are staying at home on our wedding night & will be most likely looking forward to just cosying up together…imagine we will be partying to the small wee hours & flakering into bed.

    and with regards to underwear…i will get a pretty/girlie/sexy pair of knickers but it will either be nude ultimo strapless bra or nothing depending on the fit of the dress on Friday when i get mine home. Anyways…if the consummating of the marriage does happen on the wedding night none of it will be on for that long anyway!

  28. Having been married & divorced once and about to get married for the 2nd time (which actually is way more scary than the first time), I can say that sex doesn’t get worse after you’re married, it gets worse because you stop putting effort in.

    Its easy to take each other for granted and let the daily grind takes over. You’re tired all the time, maybe up half the night with a baby or stressed at work and before you know it, you’ve barely spoken for the last week/month/year and you don’t know anything about each other anymore.

    So for a good sex life, our commitment to each other was to always talk about how we’re feeling, what’s bothering us, what we need from each other; to have a regular date night; to help each other with chores so its not left to one person; and to take time to make sex special. Oh yeah and we have a lock on the bedroom door so the kids can’t walk in 😀

  29. Lovin’ this post, and its so great to hear all this!

    I am one of the first of my close friends to get married, so don’t really have anyone to ask about these things! Although we have been together for 14 years, so have pretty much figured out for ourselves that sex gets better the longer you know someone – although on the rare times other people (girls ususally –why is this?) comment on “one person, ever, really?”, it is a bit hurtful. I never say “many partners to date, and still counting – your right, that is not at all slutty” so I really don’t think they should judge me!

    However, if I’m honest, I really doubt that there will be sex wedding night. Both me and he are planning a really big party with all our friends and family, many of whom will be back from all corners of the world, so as much as I love him, and sex, I think on that particular night I will be having too much fun with people I haven’t seen in ages, and don’t see enough of, to be sneaking off to bed early. I mean, the party may go till dawn. Soooo what we have planned instead is a little secret. *whispering now* … we are telling everyone that we are going on honeymoon the day after the wedding, but really our flights are not booked for 3 days after – we are planning a little “consumation” time in our home, where we are comfortable and happy, before we jet off, and try it in forgein lands! And that my friends is the beauty of having the rest of our lives to do it – not just one random night or never!

  30. Naomi, you really hit the nail on the head here (pun intended)…

    We were so hyper and high on the adrenaline of such an amazing day that we couldn’t stop talking! We whipped off our wedding togs and got straight into the FAB bath in our room and sat in the bath drinking tea (glam) for about 2 hours just going over the day. I then starting falling asleep in the bath, dropped my tea in the bath and was bundled off to bed by new hubbie!

    Next morning feeling fairly ropey (our wedding rocked, maybe too much?!) we had a fairly serious romp. And then ate the biggest breakfast ever wrapped in fluffy towels and singing songs and dancing around like the happiest people alive. Because we were.

    And did we spend our entire honeymoon at it like bunnies? No. Because we.were.knackered! A few days in and we got our sexy back.

    And the truth is, we all share on these fabulous dotty pages because we want to, but what happens in the marital bed really is nobody’s bizzo but your own. So if it works for you and your man, then isn’t that just lovely!

  31. Crackin’ post Naomi! Great to have you back 😉 Where are you in the world my lovely?

    I recently mentioned that I’dlike to wear blue knickers as my something blue. Cue looks of disdain from the girls/much eye rolling. But really, my dress isn’t tight or see through, so why does it matter?

    I believe the no sex after marriage thing to be a bit of a urban myth, but it must have an element of truth about it for many couples. I shall be about your method of ‘flirting for days’ (love it!!) if things start heading doubt Celibacy Street (which hopefully they won’t!) 😉

    xxx

  32. My lovely future mrs has fatigue due to a disability so we probably won’t be getting it on on our wedding night (although stranger things have happened!) but while sex isn’t as frequent as when we first got together… it is better!

  33. So nice to see a frank post like this on a wedding blog! There was one thing that troubled me in there, however. “Of course I’m just going to have sex with just one person for the rest of my life!” Because it is not always so.

    Open marriages, or the less formal monoga-mish relationships are all over the place. You know plenty of people in them. We’re all over the place.

    At this point I can hear the cries of “No! How can that be! I know none of these people! All open relationships are doomed to fail, you hear of them exploding all the time! Newt Gingrich!” while all you can see are visions or orgies and swinger’s parties.

    Whatever your views on those events (not for me either), the majority of open relationships are just like yours. We live our lives, take care of our kids, go to work, and find ourselves puzzled by romantic comedies where jealousy is a central plot point and marriages and families are breaking up because of infidelity or less. For us, this is a whole entire category of fighting and strife that just does not really apply to us.

    The reason you only hear about failed open relationships is because those of us in successful ones don’t broadcast it, we just go about being your friends, coworkers, neighbors, or maybe even your parents. You might be able to spot us. We tend to smile a lot.

    I also feel the need to call foul just a little on anyone who tells me that because they are in love, they never want to sleep with anyone else ever again. Of course you will. Brad Pitt, whispering your name in your ear right now, of course you do. And Angelina or whoever for your hubby-to-be, you both do. But if you are in love and have made a monogamous commitment, refraining from doing so is the real symbol of love. Not the claim of absence of desire.

    That myth that has been pounded into our heads that if we are in love our eyes will never stray is so harmful, because the second you start fantasizing about that handsome stranger on the train, you feel as if you are breaking your vows, and I tell you, it snowballs. So how about you go home, tell your husband about the handsome stranger (honesty, yay!), and then act out together whatever was going on in your head? Call it monoga-mish lite.

    For the love of my life and I, it is about being present, open and honest with each other, enjoying each other, reveling in each other, and understanding each other in a way that no one else does. That is what makes us strong, in tune with each other and the most deliriously happy couple you’re likely to meet.

    I am in absolutely no way saying that everyone should be in this type of relationship. It is not for everyone, and that is just fine. Let’s just toss out this idea of a “default” relationship (only eyes for you until I die) and have a real conversation with our partners. You might be surprised at what else you are on the same page about when you get right down to it.

    I will not yet speculate about whether or not we will be getting busy on our wedding night. I will have to check WomanLog.

    Thanks for listening.

  34. And Sara, take heart, they get older and go to friends’ houses for sleepovers. As my parents will tell you, it comes back.

  35. We did consummate the marriage on our wedding night. To be totally honest, I was pretty knackered, and would have happily waited until the morning, but our best man’s wife had told my husband that he HAD to make sure we consummated the marriage that night. It was still lovely, as sex with hubbie is always fab 😉 but maybe the edge was taken off it my the undoing of dozens of buttons on the back of my dress to start with! That and the fact that I had worked myself to the bone in the four days before the wedding, I didn’t have much energy left. I did want him to appreciate my little blue and cream lacy thong (a steal at £3.50), but he clearly had other things on his mind!!

    (plus, I don’t know about anyone else, but after a day in a wedding dress in the hot sun, and a night of dancing and working up a glow, I didn’t feel at my most sexy without a bit of a wash and brush up if you get my drift!)

    My hubby and I lost our virginity to each other when we were 16, so the idea of only being with him for the rest of my life feels perfect. If the shoe fits…. (so to speak 🙂 )

  36. I love that people are still commenting on this. Thought I’d jump in and give you my tuppence worth on some of the topics raised…

    @Sarah Hill – great to hear from someone a bit more experienced in the marital dept than us gooey eyed newly weds. You sound like your not too bothered by the lack of sex life. And if you and you’re husband are happy to keep the fun for an occasional hotel room away from the bambinos then go with it. But if, in fact, you’re not too happy and want to spice things up a bit, I always find the going back to flirting thing helps us. I know it must be hard with a baby hanging off your ear, but make sure that you’re not the only one making the effort. You need to be seduced too after all 😉

    @Mrs A-to-be – I’m in Australia! We’ve stopped here for a while to work and play. You should head over to my blog for a catch up… and definitely wear the blue knickers… On your wedding day… not while reading my blog. That would be weird.

    @Hol – You never know what your wedding night has in store. She could be all over you like a pigeon with a chip.

    @Natalie – Firstly, thank you. That was an amazing comment and actually made me think twice about the assumptions I made in my post. I have huge respect for people who can be involved in an open marriage.

    Gavin and I’s relationship started off open. We were seeing each other and other people openly for about 5 months before we decided to go exclusive. The reason we decided to cut other people out was not because we were jealous of sexual involvement with others, but because we started wanting to spend all of our time together. And when we started spending more time together, we realised that we didn’t feel the need to want to be with anyone else sexually. It’s just kind of continued from there on. And I’ve never regretted it.

    Yes I fantasise about other people occasionally , so does Gavin, but we integrate that into our sex lives without being unfaithful in the monogamous marriage we have decided upon. So I disagree with your point of “I also feel the need to call foul just a little on anyone who tells me that because they are in love, they never want to sleep with anyone else ever again.”

    I don’t want to sleep with anyone else. Fantasies are fantasies. As for Brad Pitt whispering in my ear, Gavin and I have made a point of acknowledging that temptation is out there and our loyalty to our relationship means that we just don’t put ourselves in temptations way. There are a thousand decisions you need to make in order to get close enough to sleep with someone else and if you’re dedicating your sex life to one person, the point is distance yourself as soon as the first red flag waves that you could be lead down the wrong path.

    We wrote into our marital vows that we would always remain open and honest with each other, no matter what. This means the ugly stuff too. So I feel that there is nothing I cannot talk to my husband about.

    I don’t believe that people are more or less happy based on whether or not their marriage is monogamous, monogam-ish or polyamorous, I believe they are happy when they are comfortable in their decisions as a couple, in love and focused on making the effort to make each other happy, whatever that might entail.

    Again, awesome comment Natalie.

    I love how you lot really tell us what you’re thinking on here. What a superb community RMW has!

  37. Love this post, thought I would just jump in. Me and my husband have had our ups and downs in our sex life just like everyone else, I am not the most body confident person so that does sometimes effect things. We got married six months ago and I thought alot about the wedding night. I wore a nude strapless bra on the wedding day and ted baker frenchies, when we got back to the room, my husband opened a bottle of champagne and we just relaxed. I jumped in the shower and for the first time put on the most sexiest lingerie I have ever bought! A Black and purple corset piece and I never felt better! I loved watching his eyes pop! Since being married we have a fantastic sex life (that doesnt mean at it like bunnies!) but I think the main thing that changed has is my confidence! So why not dare to be different on the wedding night, it definately worked for me!!

  38. Bravo! What a brililant post! I wasn’t worried about all this stuff this at all until some my male friends started talking about it. Then I got a little bit anxious and thought about it for a while. Then I gave myself a slap around the face and remembered that my husband is lush and that I get to keep him to myself for the rest of my life!

  39. Fab post, although I seem to be reading it very late, I agree with every point there. It is, however, the run up to Valentine’s day (last before I’m a MRS!) and I’ve enjoyed turning up the flirty sexiness in anticipation. I so love this line:

    “(Hell) Yes, I’m going to have (the best) sex (I’ve ever had) with (the) one person (that I want to have sex with) for the rest of my life.”

    Would share it on Facebook if my Grandad wasn’t on there!

    And in terms of the wedding night, whatever happens, happens. Though isn’t half the point of being married is having the rest of your lives to indulge? 🙂

    Thanks Naomi x

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