Don’t take yourself too seriously

This is probably the most important lesson. If you can do this one thing, then a great deal of the fear and pressure of public speaking will melt away. But it’s not easy. Our society expects brides to get hitched without a hitch - to pull off their ‘perfect day’ without so much as a hair out of place. It’s no wonder then, that brides don’t want to attempt to deliver a brides speech in the face of such uncompromising standards. But, if you are able to embrace a little messiness; to show humour and grace when you mix up your words or smudge your mascara, and allow yourself to be you - not some idealised princess who is beautiful but mute - then the rest will come much more naturally. And it’ll be a lot more fun when it does.

Women are funny...

There is a sort of tyranny with traditional wedding speeches. For some unknown reason, so many men seem contractually obligated to analyse their relationships through the prism of the Lad Bible. It’s painful (and not terribly funny) watching schoolteachers and accountants, fathers and brothers, try to wear the swagger and casual misogyny of a mid-2000s Dane Cook. That same cringe factor also keeps women away from the microphone. They don’t fancy themselves a comedian, or maybe they don’t fancy sharing a stage with a half-rate one. But just remember: it’s funnier if it feels true. It’s about being authentic and observant and poking a little fun at the people you love most, including yourself (see lesson #1). As a chatterbox who likes to spend her time talking about feminism, this is the joke I told to open my own brides speech: So. Here we are. The last speech of the night. Don’t worry - this will be quick. Just a 35-minute exploration of the complicated politics of feminism and heteronormative marriage. Nah. I’m just kidding. (Pause) It’s only 23 minutes. Okay, so I’m not going to be hired on Saturday Night Live anytime soon. But who cares? Your wedding guests are perhaps the safest crowd you’ll ever have. Why not be a little playful and try out some new material?

Say it with a song

Unless you’re Adele (and maybe even if you are Adele), I really don’t suggest singing your brides speech. However, there’s a lot we can learn from the craft of songwriting, not least how effective songs are in delivering powerful messages in limited time. Not everything requires a full backstory or exposition. Sometimes, you just have to get to the heart of the matter. To illustrate, this is how I thanked my parents that night: Mama and Dad - For dropping me off two blocks away from the school gates on the night of the middle school dance For sending me a singing telegram (a woman in a gorilla costume) for my 18th birthday For being the loudest, most enthusiastic cheerleader at every game For turning up - in coveralls, straight off a helicopter - to get there in time to see me perform in the school play For being the bow to my arrow For letting us do this our way And for teaching me that marriage is about nurturing a beautiful, complicated and unconditional love - a love that takes commitment, forgiveness and, apparently, fart jokes to sustain For that and for everything else, thank you. Telling each one of those stories would have taken far too long. But deploying a repetitive songwriting technique meant I could get through decades worth of content in an economical 30 seconds.

Make etiquette work for you

A bride giving a speech may have Emily Post rolling in her grave, but that doesn’t have to mean we forego all wedding day traditions. Most other speeches involve expressions of thanks to those who have helped make the event happen. If you’re struggling with what to write - or if you’re more private and don’t want to bare your soul - use the tradition of saying simple ‘thank yous’ to frame your brides speech. It is a very meaningful gesture to stand up in front of your loved ones and declare your genuine gratitude to your friends, family and in-laws.

Do it for the kids

Your wedding is a #nokids kind of affair? Fine. Then do it for the photos. So when your future child (or someone’s future child) happens to be flicking through your wedding album, they will see you holding a microphone. They will see you, on one of the most important days of your life, speaking for yourself. Do not underestimate the effect this can have. Part of the reason brides don’t give speeches is that we didn’t have any examples of it in our own lives. Now’s your chance to be that example for someone else.

As goes the wedding, so goes the marriage

In the weeks and months leading up to our wedding, people spent a lot of time reminding us that ‘it’s just one day’. The implication, of course, was that we shouldn’t fret too much about the wedding because it’s the marriage that would really count. And I see what they were saying, I really do. But I have a little quibble. Because wedding days and marriages are actually very similar: For starters, everything costs more than you thought it would. And nothing is as good in real life as it looked online. On wedding days and in marriages, you have to constantly negotiate and reject and reimagine and tear up outdated gender norms (which is exhausting, but important). For weddings and marriages, you should think hard about your environmental footprint. And at the end of the day, you’ll still be a total hypocrite. Both wedding days and marriages are largely about schedules and traffic and the London tube map and love and laughter and in-laws and whether or not to invite kids to the party. They each see a great deal of joy; a few tears; a few surprises; too much wine; stealing a few quiet moments alone together; and probably being too tired for sex :| In many ways, your wedding day can be a blueprint of the marriage that will follow. It’s the first day of the rest of your lives together. Why not start it on as you mean to go on? Why not share every part of it - including the responsibility of giving a speech - with your partner? It will be scary. Most things worth doing usually are. But both fears and traditions are only as powerful as we let them be. They fill vacuums. They fill the silence. To take away their power, all you have to do is find your voice.

Brides Speech - How To Write One - Advice From A Bride Who Did

Fern Godfrey